Many of us, learned to ignore our inner experience and instead we focus on others in the hopes of having control over them and to feel safe.
We believe falsely that our sense of happiness and safety will come from others liking ,connecting with and approving us. We hope caring and and spending time with them, will make us the centre of focus and hopefully the object of their attention.You take other people’s behaviour personally, automatically assume that a friend’s tension is about you, are not open minded and available to care about or to focus on yourself.
If your focus is primarily on others feelings and their behaviors, you work hard to control how they feel about you and how they treat you. Truth is, this intense need to care for others is deeply rooted in either a fear of rejection and/or fear of failure. Fear of Rejection is the feeling that, you have to do everything to make this person happy or they might leave or stop caring for you. So you keep doing more and spending more. The fear of Rejection can come from early relationships in which you were rejected by your primary carer or that important person in your life- maybe a parent left or they were emotionally unavailable or inconsistently available, so love was conditional. People who have highly critical parents may develop patterns of focussing outside. To cope with their anxieties, they do everything possible to make sure everybody around them is happy. So they search. They look to others to fill that emptiness and the longing. They yearn for love,touch,appreciation and the need to be satisfied.. And eventually end up settling for less.
Although it may look like you are caring about others when you focus on them, the underlying intent is usually manipulation to get what you want from them. This type of caring is not about taking care of yourself, again it comes from an empty place within that has a need to be filled. Over time, you are likely to find yourself silently angry at the people in your life because your desire to be kind often turns into passive aggression.
But when you focus within, you take responsibility for yourself rather than wait for others to be responsible for your happiness and safety. You intent on taking care of yourself .Your focus within and you feel compassion for yourself and would not take awkward behaviours personally, neither would you automatically assume that a friend’s tension is about you, you are more lovingly available to yourself and caring for others will come easily, from a full and loving place within. Do you believe your happiness, peace and joy comes from others, are you swayed more to the outside? to what others say,feel and do? (more…)