How do parents’ relationships change when the first baby arrives?

How do parents’ relationships change when the first baby arrives?

There are many hurdles and difficult obstacles to overcome when you have your first baby, not least of which is your relationship with yourself and with your partner. Your family has grown by half overnight, and now all your energy is channelled in a completely different direction. It is totally natural for the relationship between the parents to change quite significantly, so let’s embrace these changes and learn and grow with them. One of the first things you may notice is the way your conversations go.

 

You no longer sit nurturing a cup of tea together and discussing your day. Both your heads are filled with thoughts and concerns about your baby: do need more nappies, how is the baby sleeping, will you need to express more milk? Your focus is different now, and this is okay. But try to wedge in a few minutes every day just to say “How are you?”, or “Tell me about your  morning”.These small, non-baby moments help you keep connected to each other, even if just for a moment.

 

 

 

 

 

Dealing with Chores:

Unfortunately, housework never goes away, and after a baby it piles up at an even more alarming rate. With little time and a lot less energy, this can seem like a daunting task. Don’t expect your other half to be a mind-reader, just ask for them to help out. Please and thank you goes a long way, too. Appreciate the little things each other does, because on certain days, a full bowl of washing up may drive you crazy.

It’s true that after a baby –especially for a woman – sex is pretty much off the cards. If it is on the cards, it must be planned meticulously. So, plan it. If, after a few months, you have both ‘got the hang of it’ a little bit, get a sitter or a grandparent for the night and go out for a date. Visit a favourite restaurant or bar, get dressed up, and have an evening with just the two of you. Keep baby talk to a minimum and enjoy yourselves.  Sex may still be a no-no at this point, and that’s fine. Just take small, enjoyable steps.It’s not just mothers that experience an overhaul in the hormone department, either. Your relationship may change because you are both changing with your baby. A man becoming a father can lessen his testosterone and increase his affection and bond to his child. This may help you understand what you are both going through, and why you may be snapping at each other more read. In the end, your duo is now a trio.

In learning to enjoy your relationship as parents, you can also learn to enjoy your relationship as a family.

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Is your focus within or outside?

 

 

 

Many of us, learned to ignore our inner experience and instead we focus on others in the hopes of having control over them and to feel safe.
We believe falsely that our sense of happiness and safety will come from others liking ,connecting with and approving us. We hope caring and and spending time with them, will make us the centre of focus and hopefully the object of their attention.You take other people’s behaviour personally, automatically assume that a friend’s tension is about you,  are not open minded and available to care about or to focus on yourself.
If your focus is primarily on others feelings and their behaviors, you work hard to control how they feel about you and how they treat you. Truth is, this intense need to care for others is deeply rooted in either a fear of rejection and/or fear of failure. Fear of Rejection is the feeling that, you have to do everything to make this person happy or they might leave or stop caring for you. So you keep doing more and spending more. The fear of Rejection can come from early relationships in which you were rejected by your primary carer or that important person in your life- maybe a parent left or they were emotionally unavailable or inconsistently available, so love was conditional. People who have highly critical parents may develop patterns of focussing outside. To cope with their anxieties, they do everything possible to make sure everybody around them is happy. So they search. They look to others to fill that emptiness and the longing. They yearn for love,touch,appreciation and the need to be satisfied.. And eventually end up settling for less.
Although it may look like you are caring about others when you focus on them, the underlying intent is usually manipulation to get what you want from them. This type of caring is not about taking care of yourself, again it comes from an empty place within that has a need to be filled. Over time, you are likely to find yourself silently angry at the people in your life because your desire to be kind often turns into passive aggression.

But when you focus within, you take responsibility for yourself rather than wait for others to be responsible for your happiness and safety. You intent on taking care of yourself .Your focus within and you feel compassion for yourself and would not take awkward behaviours personally, neither would you automatically assume that a friend’s tension is about you, you are more lovingly available to yourself and caring for others will come easily, from a full and loving place within. Do you believe your happiness, peace and joy comes from others, are  you swayed more to the outside? to what others say,feel and do? (more…)

Embrace self love

Being hungry for love or even desperate for it at times, can bring you heart aches, you may feel trampled upon and witness yourself tolerating people,friends, lovers, bosses that treat you unfairly or poorly- leaving you feeling victimised. Sometimes you go looking to blame someone else and make yourself out as the innocent one. Truth is ,you allow yourself to be treated the way they do because of your poor self worth. The way you see yourself is flawed with self doubt,low confidence and fear of success. So you undermine your self and  your abilities and send out the energy that attracts and encourages the “woe to me “mentality.

Meaning you settle for less and simply allow people to disrespect your worth and You keep taking because deep down inside you believe you don’t deserve any better. This is all a matter of low self esteem and poor sense of self It feels crappy when you see and feel your self esteem embbing away. For me, as a student of unhealthy, obsessing and infatuating  relationships, learning to understand that the most important relationship is the one I have with myself is quite liberating. It is freedom to feel and know that  I donot have to apologise for who I am but embrace myself with all my flaws .Loving me and what i stand for without apologies is expansion. I honour my choices – the right and the wrong ones. There are perfect choices  because  I am perfect. I am growing, evolving and taking me to a higher level. The  imperfections and the idiosyncrasies are the summary and the beauty of who I am. I am perfect. I will no longer be looking for love in unusual places  because I am Love .

Be encouraged!

Be encouraged.

Every failure is one step closer to your success. Instead of giving yourself reasons why you can’t, give reasons why you can.

2 Misconception of Love!

The misconception of Love

Myth 1: “Love at first sight”

Is it romantic love or  Imaginary wishful thinking  with no  real emotion?

Love at first sight can often be misleading; how is it possible that you do not have sufficient knowledge about a person’s characteristics and you fall in love?  Explaining that immediate feeling of love is actually more difficult but many imagine that the first step is nothing more than sexual attraction..

Attraction is one of the most basic building blocks for love.  Some people develop the attraction later after periods of friendship but attraction is what draws you to want to know someone new, it builds up the passionate early days of relationship.

Love at first sight is often, very intense because it is based more on expectations and imagination and at first sight attributes.. the height, the smiles, the looks, the perfume and so on. You feel drawn to the person because you are influenced by something about the person. Leading up to be the basis of sexual desires  So clearly, attractive people are more likely to be the object of love at first sight because  of their outwardly pleasant persona , they do not struggle with the initial likeable obstacle like most do.

How can you really judge a person’s honesty or true character before you even get to know them ?  The myth is, with love at first sight, there is  high value accorded to the individual’s external appearance which is projected onto internal characteristics. This can be seen as misleading and often lead to people  holding distorted emotional beliefs. What ever you believe, most of us still remember the first time you had that “feeling”, that quick glance into that person’s eye that had stayed with you forever!

 

Love at first sight can be very intense whether it is profound feeling depends on where you are on the sliding scale of idealism and cynicism.

Love at first sight is either a recipe for living happily ever after or eventual disillusionment and leading to heartbreak.

 

 

 

Myth 2.. Does Love conquers all ?

Love is for sure a beautiful thing. We all have our own ideas of what love is, but it’s really never as simple as that. Supposedly, you fall in love. head over heels. Lucky you. everything thing is magically working out.  Love is necessary in order for the relationship to last. While love is very powerful and capable of conquering some things, for some, it’s complicated with unrealistic expectations . Sometimes love isn’t always strong enough to conquer all, sometimes two people just don’t fit, it’s unfortunate, but it’s a fact, love simply cannot conquer incompatibility.

The reason most people are so bored, no enthusiasm and totally jaded is  because they stay in relationships that aren’t working for them for way too long. They try to be what the other person needs and wants, they try to make it work by any means necessary, they try with all their might and wind up broken. exhausted and  defeated.

Frankly, you simply cannot shove a square peg into a round hole. It doesn’t matter how many ways you try, you will never be able to make it fit.

Be real.

You were going to fall in love with the perfect person. Why? they don’t exist . Love is flawed. Good days and bad days. .  Sometimes just accept your reality and Face the truth. Real love helps get past the bad times. Not all love is meant to last but look past the flaws,  people and environments lead us in discovering ourselves and appreciating our values better. Other times the experiences are to teach us that we deserve better and  loving someone does not necessarily guarantee you a happily ever after, more often, real love requires hard work.. you learn how to talk to each other, be supportive, compromise, find solution to problems. You know you are in love when you willing to talk about things and not hold grudges, it is worth it in  the end.

Love should never be consistently painful. You might feel hurt about something but after talking you should feel good again. You can not force love  but heartbreak can open doors to personal growth and this growth can lead to another kind of love, one that can lead to  living happily ever after!